After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
