My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
