Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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