There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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