i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
