I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
