this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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