do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
