she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish i was in the wii world.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
