You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
