I'm eating all of the evidence.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
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