so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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