The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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