Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
