You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
