Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
