I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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