Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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