The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize