I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
