Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
