Your mouth is God's brothel.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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