dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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