You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
