I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
