shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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