All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I want to be your penis for a week.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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