Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
