dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
