I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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