She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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