woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We're too hungover to prance.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
