I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
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So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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