In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
