She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
