rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
