Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
