if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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