my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Randomize
