I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
