The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
