im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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