Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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