My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
