My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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