you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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