Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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