i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
