New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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