how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
