I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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