He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
