Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
