You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
