i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
