Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
